Thursday, 18 September 2008

Of Fox And Fish And Gordon Brown-Trousers

An odd day on the news front today. According to the Independent, an online survey of grassroots Labour supporters shows that 54% of those who responded want Gordon Brown-Trousers to quit ASAP. I'm sure they do, but, in the wake of yesterday's polls showing 52% of voters currently favour Crazy Cameron's gang, it's hardly earth shattering news.

Then there's the Telegraph, reporting that "Dementia Sufferers May Have 'Duty To Die'". At least, that's what the headline says, but anyone taking the trouble to read the article will see that Baroness Warnock's comment are just a teeny bit misrepresented. What she actually said was "...if somebody absolutely, desperately wants to die because they're a burden to their family, or the state, then I think they too should be allowed to die."

She added, "Actually I've just written an article called 'A Duty to Die?' for a Norwegian periodical. I wrote it really suggesting that there's nothing wrong with feeling you ought to do so for the sake of others as well as yourself." Despite her comments being severely criticised by various MPs, charities, campaigners and other assorted lowlife dimwits, I don't see what's so wrong with that.

I certainly wouldn't want to continue in a lifestyle that was an intolerable burden on Mrs S, yet that is the future that many of us will face. It is not callous or barbaric to consider the available options, and the good of all concerned - as long as it IS the good of all concerned, of course, and by mutual consent. It goes without saying that anything other would be entirely unacceptable.

It's ironic that this story should be featured on the same day that the Sun reports on a "New law to ban suicide sites". Apparently, do-gooding ministers, aided and abetted by so-called "parenting guru" Tanya Byron, are planning to amend the Suicide Act, 1961, to make it illegal to produce websites on the subject of suicide and, most importantly, how best to go about it.

Yet more small-minded intervention into our fundamental freedoms, I see, although I can't imagine many people actually needing to look up instructions on the internet before topping themselves - if they're that dumb, surely we should do the rest of the world a favour and let them get on with it! And on the subject of the rest of the world, there's no mention of how the ever IT-literate Ms Byron and her government buddies think they're going to enforce their law on websites hosted overseas. Yet more hype without substance from NuLab, I feel.

Of course, nobody is going to question them on this, because, again according to the Sun, one child in seven still can't even write its name after spending one year in primary school. Probably not, but I bet they've learned a lot about human rights, diversity, equality and claiming benefits. Still, not to worry. NuLab wants all brats to stay in some kind of education until they're 18, so they'll have plenty of time to learn how to write their names - although, having seen what they're actually teaching kids in schools these days, I suspect it won't be long enough for some!

On the plus side, we can take some comfort in the idea that stupidity isn't ONLY a British disease, as demonstrated by the case of a lad in India who got in a bit of a fix with a fish. Having been cleaning out the aquarium at his home, this young man, who's name and age are omitted from the Sun's article, had hold of a fish when the need to answer nature's call overcame him.

Pottering off to the potty, fish still in hand (like you do), he was understandably somewhat alarmed when the damn thing leapt from his grip and managed to swim into his penis. Yes, that's right. INTO his PENIS. After complaining of pain, dribbling urine and acute urinary retention, the lad was taken to hospital, where the fish was found in his bladder. The fish, which was presumably pissed off, was about 2cm long and about 1.5 cm wide, and is believed to have been a member of the Betta genus. The boy was offered counselling, though nobody seems to care about the fish. If it was a genuine mistake - and I can't help wondering how many people take a fish along for a wee with them - it will probably put the guy off fish for life!

Unlucky and unlikely wildlife is also the subject of the this article about a black fox, spotted in a churchyard up north in Chorley, Lancashire. The Sun and other newspapers carry pics of the previously unknown beast, looking both cute and devilish, and point out that, according to old wives' tales, such things bring bad luck. Certainly, having its mug all over the Sun will be bad luck for the rarity in question - you can bet the churchyard will be stiff with people eager to get a look at the poor bugger, and, as a result, it will be dead by the end of the week.

Isn't life wonderful?

Billy Seggars

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