Deeply Brown

I wonder how long it will be before Gordon Brown-Trousers is the only person left in the British government? Today, the Telegraph reports that minister David Cairns has resigned in protest at way things are going in the Labour government.

Last weekend, various allegedly-senior Labour bods, none of whom I'd ever heard of, were fired for having the temerity to suggest that the Prime Minister should submit to a leadership challenge. And you can bet they're just the tip of the iceberg, the white head at the forefront of a festering boil of resentment that runs all the way down to the very bottom of grass roots Labour support.

How do we know this? Simple - Gordon Brown-Trousers and his supporters are telling us that they're just a few marginal malcontents who are way out of line with mainstream opinion within the party. They're saying this loudly and very, very often, so it can't be true, or even close to true. Besides, look at the opinion polls. Labour, largely as a result of Gordon Brown-Trousers' utter failure as a Prime Minister, are 20 points behind the Tories where, just one year ago, the situation was almost totally reversed.

Despite suspicions to the contrary, I suppose we must accept that politicians are people too, and their views won't be too different from those held by the population at large. After all, their views were once sufficiently aligned as to give Tony Blair a massive majority. The majority of the electorate has already decided that it doesn't like the way things are going, and it's entirely reasonable to assume that an equivalent proportion of unexpectedly-human politicians feel pretty much the same.

To deny the situation is pointless - nobody believes the denials, and it just makes Gordon Brown-Trousers look even more brown of trouser then he does already. But what can he do? If he agrees with his critics, he will be seen as even more of a wimp than he already is. If he submits to a challenge he will lose, and we all know how badly, and for how long, he schemed to become PM. Being ousted after just a few moths would be totally unacceptable to him.

As unlikely as it sounds, I agree with Gordon Brown-Trousers' statement, in his letter accepting the traitorous Cairns' resignation, that now is not the time to be focused on internal party matters. It really, really isn't. That sends quite the wrong message to the public - namely, that all Labour politicians are interested in is looking good and winning votes.

I'm sure that's true, but it's no way to run a country. Besides, a recent poll showed that, although most people don't like or trust the PM, they aren't all that keen on replacing him with another Labour bod either. That's probably because they've cottoned on to the self-preservation aspect of Labour politics, and will be glad to get rid of the whole lot of them at the earliest available opportunity.

The only possible hope for Gordon Brown-Trousers and the entire Labour party is to buckle down to the job in hand, and start fixing the mess they've got us into. With unusual insight, I think Brown-Trousers understands that, and is trying to at least look as if he's working on it. But his every effort is sabotaged by his own party. No matter what he tries, yet another disaster breaks out and focuses attention back on the ineptitude of his Government, and, therefore, of the Prime Minister.

The cycle repeats, causing more of his people to want rid of him and taking more effort to control, which, in turn, takes more eyes off the running-the-country ball, leading to yet more cockups. The fact that all the Labour Piranhas currently circling the embattled Prime Minister can't see that it's their own feet they're about to bite off just goes to show how unfit for government Labour is - and always has been.

I might almost feel sorry for Gordon Brown-Trousers, who is looking increasingly tired and ill in media photographs, but I don't. His own pride, arrogance and incompetence have brought him to his current, impossible position. He wanted the job so badly that he spent years scheming to get Blair out of the way - maybe Blair was unexpectedly smart enough to realise that Brown just wasn't up to it?

And now that he's got it, he doesn't know how to do it. He's bottled out of a general election that would have given him his own mandate to govern, sidestepped an internal leadership election, denied the British public a referendum on the EU Treaty, presided over the collapse of our economy, introduced or rubber stamped yet more legislation that turns the UK (what's left of it) into a surveillance state and watched as one department of his government after another has been engulfed in scandal.

It's undeniably true that Gordon Brown-Trousers is not fit to be Prime Minister. But he didn't create all of these disasters single-handedly. He needed help - lots and lots of help - from the rest of his government to so thoroughly screw things up. Instead of trying to pin it all on him, those same government bods should be trying to put things back together.

But they're not, and they won't, leaving Gordon Brown-Trousers no choice, if he retains any last vestige of sanity, but to sack the malcontents one by one as they break cover and before they have chance to resign. That way, at least, he manages to look like he's in charge, even though it won't be long before there's nobody but yes men left for him to be in charge of.

Still, not long to 2010 and a whole new governing party, eh?

Billy Seggars.