Mr Bean's Brown Trousers

Is there no end to the revelations about our seedy, shady government? In the past few days, during which I've been too busy to do more than glance at the headlines let alone blog about the lunacy therein, it seems that things have gone from bad to worse for the Gordon Brown Trousers government.

Just as the scandal of CDs containing the personal details of 25 million British citizens being lost in the post superseded the humiliating revelations about illegal immigrants with security clearance, so the missing CDs have been supplanted by another batch of horrendous revelations about dodgy donations to the Labour party.

It's a long, complicated story, reeking of incompetence and corruption as one would expect from this bungling, self-serving administration, but, broadly, it revolves around donations of well over £500,000 to the Labour Party. Nothing much wrong with that you might think, apart from obvious questions about the state of mind of anyone who would contemplate donations to such a dubious organisation. But, in this case, the donations were made anonymously, which, apparently, is a no-no where such enormous sums are concerned.

When the story first broke, the government's line was that only one person in the Labour party - general secretary Peter Watt - had known anything dodgy was afoot, and he'd already resigned, so that should be an end to the matter. Yesterday, it emerged that top Labour fundraiser and senior Brownite Jon Mendelsohn had known about the affair for weeks - since the end of September, in fact.

Of course, that was just before Gordon Brown Trousers revealed his yellow streak by bottling out of an election than he feared he may win - NOT a good time to let on about dodgy fundraising, eh? Not that Mr Mendelsohn has admitted that this was his reason for keeping quiet. No, apparently, he wanted to discuss the matter with Mr Abrahams (the wannabe anonymous donor) in person. A likely story.

But it gets better. It turns out that Mr Abrahams has been quite free with his donations, albeit - illegally - by proxy, and that deputy leader Harriet Harrman had accepted a donation of £5000 from him towards her campaign to attain that illustrious post. Yet the party treasurer - and, coincidentally, Harrman's husband - Jack Dromey, claims to have known nothing about the anonymous donations until the shit hit the fan last weekend. What kind of treasurer doesn't know where that kind of cash is coming from?

Even better yet are the deafening calls for a police investigation - and quite rightly, too. A crime has been committed, and even acknowledged, and no amount of investigations by the Parliamentary Commissioner or the Labour party can take the place of a proper police inquiry. Of course, entertaining as all of these deeply damaging revelations are, nothing that has come out so far - and I'm sure there's a lot more puss yet to seep out of this festering wound to the heart of the British government - can match the comments made by stand-in Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable at Prime Minister's Questions.

Mr Cable, who makes a far more credible leader than either of the two official candidates for the post, and almost manages to make the LibDims seem remotely relevant, said the PM had managed a "remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean, creating chaos out of order rather than order out of chaos."

Needless to say, Gordon Brown-Trousers Bean did not look happy as he took yet another pounding at PMQs. Head bowed and looking slightly to his left as though he dared not face Crazy Cammeron's gleeful expression, he grumbled and mumbled and tooth-sucked his way through his collection of excuses, all the time clawing at his papers with his left hand. Unfortunately, he has neither the vicious wit of of Mr Cable, nor the verbal dexterity of Mr Cammeron, and he was left looking like a very poor substitute for a British Prime Minister.

Still, at this rate that isn't going to be a problem for much longer. I gather Blairite survivors are already starting to brief against the leadership, for a fair few of them must have axes to grind against the man whose only legacy as Prime Minister will be to chicken out of an election, throw away a massive Labour lead in a matter of weeks and, incredibly, to have made both the Tories and the LibDims look appealing in comparison to his own party. Well done, Mr Brown-Trousers!

Billy Seggars.