Happy, On Average

Pointless surveys seem to be in the news a lot today. According to the Telegraph, documentary maker Tim Wardle has been conducting them like crazy in his search for the UK's most average man.

He's been yomping around the country looking for a guy who fits all the criteria - including earning £23,556 a year, being 5ft 9 1/2 tall, driving a Ford Fiesta and having sex 8 times a month. Sounds like the ultimate in Tedium TV to me, but I'm happy to say that Tim Wardle has found his man after a surprisingly difficult search.

It seems that Peter Williamson, of Swindon, fits the bill, and is quite happy about it. He says, "If you spend all your time trying to achieve instead of looking at what you've got and being happy with it, it can destroy you. Whereas if you've got a loving family and are content with your life - even if you haven't achieved greatness - then you'll be happy."

I can honestly say that I don't even come close to meeting the Mr Average criteria - I'm not old enough, too tall, too fat, work too many hours, don't drive a Fiesta, don't believe in any God, don't have enough kids or take enough holidays, spend far too long "on hold" on the phone and make a point of not having between 8 and 14 close friends. I do have a wife, but she's not a size 16 and I sure as hell don't have the average of six sexual partners - the article doesn't say whether they form part of the "close friends" group, but either way I don't have 'em and wouldn't want 'em - and I don't get my leg over, on average, 8 times a month.

Despite all of that, I absolutely agree with Mr Williamson - folks spend far too much time trying to do something or be someone these days. The mania comes in many forms, from the classic desire for fame to an obsession with "issues", be they world peace, the environment or some more mundane personal hobby-horse.

And they're all guff. Put the hobby-horse out to pasture and start making the most of what's good in your life. For, on average, you've probably only got another 40 years or so to go before it's wooden overcoat time, and it's a bit late then to start enjoying life, isn't it?

Billy Seggars.