Old Age Sex

According to a survey reported by the BBC, old age isn't a barrier to a healthy and active sex life. It seems that geriatric Americans are at it like rabbits, even well into their 80s - of those aged 75 - 85, 26% reported having sex with a partner in the last year.

And if it's happening in the good ol' US of A, you can bet your bottom dollar it's happening here too. It's almost too horrible to contemplate, isn't it? But next time you're stuck behind some grumpy old codger at the supermarket checkout, cursing as they "Eh? You what? SPEAK UP..." their way through counting out their loose change from an old leather shovel purse, you might just want to keep that survey in mind.

Let the mind's eye zoom out from the humdrum of the checkout line, and see the object of your irritation in a whole new light. Peel away the hair net, the surgical support stockings and orthopaedic footwear, then, in your imagination, replace them with the latest little number from Figleaves or Anne Summers.

Add subdued lighting, romantic music and a strategically positioned zimmer frame, and you've probably got a pretty good picture of what at least one in four of the pensioners in the checkout line got up to last night. I'm not going to mention unspeakable acts with walking sticks, dentures and KY because they are, well, unspeakable, but you've probably got the idea.

And, despite the odd shudder, I think it's really cool! As pointless and slightly terrifying as this survey is, it offers hope to those of us who have dim but pleasant memories of getting our leg over once in a while, before real life chained us to a keyboard for up to 18 hours a day.

Billy Seggars.