Ashes to Ashes

Goodness, the papers are full of odd news this morning. Apparently, chimps are better than humans at memory games - no surprise there, at least! You only have to look around to realise that a bunch of not-very-well trained chimps could probably do a better of job of running the country than Gordon Brown-Trousers.

Then there's John Darwin, the Reggie Perrin canoeist who vanished 5 years ago in what seemed to be an accident at sea. He's been presumed dead all this time, and his wife has recently decamped to Panama City in the company of £500,000 obtained from his life insurance. Unfortunately, he turned up at a London police station last Sunday, claiming to be suffering from amnesia. Strangely, despite her husband's sudden return from the world's longest ever swimming trip, Mrs D doesn't have any plans to return to the UK any time soon.

Or (presumably now former) paediatrician Dr David Southall, who looks to have been well and truly stitched up by the totally untrained chimps at the General Medical Council. This story's been floating tediously around the press for a week or two now, with various families taking their turn at airing a Southall-based sob story. I wonder which, if any of them, will be the first to break ranks and make a dash for some compensation before a real court takes one look at the case and overturns the GMC's decision.

Equally ridiculous, if not quite so serious, are the bobbies in Sutton who have taken to trundling around on Segways. Quite why they should wish to subject themselves to such ridicule, I know not, but the vehicles dubbed "rolling lollipops" will be on trial there for the next month. Hasn't this sort of nonsense been tried before? From memory, the boys in blue tried patrolling on roller blades in one of London's parks, until local villains realised that running away over grass was enough to leave their hot pursuers stuck in the mud. What's wrong with a good old fashioned bicycle? Those Segways look like a case for the health and safety extremists if ever I saw one!

In fact, about the only news of any real interest in the papers this morning is the return of politically incorrect detective Gene Hunt in a spin-off from the brilliant Life on Mars called Ashes to Ashes. I must admit I haven't had chance to watch the last part of LoM yet, but in the episodes I have seen, Hunt, played by Philip Glenister, stole the show. To call the character politically incorrect is a massive understatement, and that came as a tremendous relief from some of the more modern cop shows. Plus, of course, he got some fantastic lines like, "She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot." Pure genius, and I can't wait to see him in action again!

Billy Seggars.