Thursday, 24 July 2008

No News, Good News

The news hasn't been unduly interesting of late. Or, perhaps, the world's descent into insanity is now so inevitable, and so tediously commonplace that nothing in the papers comes as any surprise whatsoever.

Economic disaster looming? Nah, it's already here. It was looming this time last year, and has been on the cards for quite a bit longer than that. Just because the media is suddenly full of "money saving" tips for the hard of thinking does not mean that the credit crunch is anything new.

Taking pictures of local thugs involved in anti-social behaviour is against the law? Yes, probably, in this pathetic NuLab country. Doesn't seem to apply to all those CCTV pictures plod snaps of the public, though, does it?

Reggie Perrin canoe man + wife get time for a) faking his death, b) bunking off to foreign climbs with the life insurance cash and c) being dumb enough to come back to England and fess up. Again, no surprises there.

But, thankfully, the Sun has galloped to the rescue with a small but entertaining crop of silly stories. The Russian high-heeled sprinters are definitely worth a look, especially if reasonably leggy women in running shorts, T-shirts and, yes, high heels float your boat. I can't say any of them do much for me (and even if I could, I wouldn't, cos Mrs S reads this blog on the quiet) but the expression on the faces of numbers 27 and 44 are good for a giggle. The unidentified high heeled ankle-boot wearer in the background gets a sympathy vote too.

Her position, kneeling on the floor, apparently after a slip, is a clear demonstration of why the Health and Safety Gestapo would never, ever allow anyone to choose, of their own free will, to engage, for prizes or otherwise, in a dangerous sprint whilst wearing footwear with heels at least 9cm high. Face it, those miserable gits wouldn't even let us put up the bunting over the race course without a proper inspection.

Meanwhile, former NASA astronaut, Edgar Mitchell, has proclaimed that aliens exist and look just like E.T. Interestingly, NASA has distanced itself from his position, but then, they would, wouldn't they? Don't you just love conspiracy theories? :-) Fortunately for British citizens concerned about the most recent spate of UFO sightings in Wales and elsewhere, US US aircraft worker Michael Menkin has created an "anti-alien" hat that, he claims, will prevent folks from being abducted by aliens.

But Mr Menkin's alien-telepathy-blocking hats have not met with approval from the Welsh Fellowship of Ufologists, who branded them as "ridiculous" and "nonsense". Such a knee-jerk reaction, without giving the rather fetching hats a field trial, must surely serve to cast suspicion on the Fellowship, and I can't help wondering if they've already been infiltrated - and neutralised!

Taking pride of place in the "And finally" spot of this post, though, is the case of Crazy Cameron's missing bicycle. It seems that the pedal pushing Prime Minister in waiting had his transport nicked from outside Tesco in Portobello Road, and he'd quite like it back. Naturally, the thief should be captured and flogged ASAP, but I can't deny that the absence of even one bike from London's teeming roads is a minor victory for embattled motorists.

Never mind all this health and fitness crap, stuff the damned environment, the plague of cyclists afflicting the Capital's streets is getting beyond a joke. It wouldn't be so bad it they weren't all possessed of the typical cyclists' view that they own the bloody roads, and that any vehicle bigger than them is a valid target for shouting, swearing and shaking their fists at.

Unfortunately, they are, and, despite the occasional amusement afforded by watching one of their number get so enraged that they actually fall off their bike - seriously, it happens several times a month - they're nothing more than a menace to other road users. See, even though they expect everyone else to leap through hoops to avoid accidentally killing them, they don't actually have any road sense. To them, traffic lights are just pretty lamps on a stick that change colour at random, pavements are there to ride on whenever there's a chance to terrorise pedestrians and any other road user in a motorised vehicle (bike, car, bus articulated truck...) is absolutely invisible until impact is virtually inevitable.

Cameron should not be encouraging this rabble, either by ignoring traffic lights himself, or, indeed, by cycling at all. The loss of his bike is definitely a step in the right direction!

Billy Seggars.

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